December 23, 2013
I have decided to begin blogging my thoughts about our loss. It may be just to get it out or relate to other people who have also suffered the loss of a baby. For those who may not know, I found out I was pregnant on Mother's Day weekend. I was so excited. Todd had finally been okay with trying to have another child. We went to our 8 week checkup the Monday before Father's day and the baby was 3 weeks behind in growth, though had a faint flutter of a heart beat. Even though I know the dates did not add up, I prayed and hoped for the baby to make it. We went back the next week and there was not any development or a heart beat this time. I could literally feel my heart break in my chest. Even though I was devastated, I knew Yahweh, God was with me and comforting me. I was able to miscarry naturally with out any medical intervention, which I was thankful for. I did not know that I would actually go through labor like I did. I miscarried our baby on our 6th anniversary, June 21st, 2013. It was interesting. The night before I started to miscarry, I had a dream in which I miscarried and the baby was big enough to hold and was clinging to life. In my dream I held her (I say her because she was wrapped in a pink blanket) and told her it was okay, that I loved her and she went limp. I rarely have dreams I remember so I believe this was Yahweh's way of letting me say goodbye. Thankfully I have friends who were very helpful during the weeks following. They offered to watch Ella and clean if I needed it. They also brought meals for a week, which is so helpful. If you know anyone who has a miscarriage, offer to bring meals, this was such a great way in which the body of Christ ministered to me.
Todd has been great and trying to understand what I am going through. I can be fine, then see a pregnant person who is about how far along I should be and it just hits my heart hard.
One of my friends told me that grieving this type of loss is like a sprinkler; just when you think you have grieved and getting better, something happens (an event or an anniversary of some type) and you go back and have to grieve something else about the loss. I am finding how true that is. I have tried more than usual for me to reach out to others to let them know I am not okay. Some days I am tired of being "strong" but I keep pushing through. Some times I am really doing well, but it seems like the days I am struggling is when someone says something stupid about me being depressed, or that I should have already grieved my loss. For those who have not experienced this, try to to use cliche's or talk about someone's grieving process. Everyone is different. The best thing to say is " I am so sorry for your loss, I don't even have words to say".
As my due date (Jan 17) gets closer, my heart has gotten sad again. Although I am so happy for my friends who are due around when I was, it is hard seeing their babies and their big bellies. I am so excited for them and hope to be able to hold their babies, but none-the-less its hard.
Most of this is just ramblings of all that is on my heart.
I hope to continue to share more and looks back and see the growth and healing that will continue to happen. What I did not say, I am learning a lot through this time and how Yahweh, God is my strength and shelter.
He understands loss and pain.
Some of my favorite verses right now:
1 Chron 16:11 Seek the Lord and His stregnth; seek His face evermore!"
Psalm 18
Psalm 112
